I’m Stuck

I don’t know how this post is going to turn out, but here it goes. Maybe if I write it down, I’ll figure it out. I’m stuck! And I need to get unstuck.

We are once again planning on putting our house on the market, and we have so much to pack I don’t know where to start. Anywhere at this point would be good!

I’ve mostly been stuck in bed and have been since the 2nd week in January! I honestly was getting over pneumonia and the flu for the significant part of January. At that point, I’d had pneumonia twice since September, and then ended up with horrible flu over Christmas. However, we are almost through April! My exhaustion, pain, and anxiety still have their way with me nearly every damn day! This has got to stop!

I’ve thought maybe it’s because I’m lazy. I was thinking perhaps I am genuinely exhibiting sloth like characteristics (one of the seven deadly sins) and this was entirely in my control to stop this lazy behavior. If I stopped being so lazy, maybe I’d feel better?

I planned my next day. I had a schedule full of activities! I wrote down what I’d wear, eat, and when I’d clean, blog, read blogs, walk the dogs, even when I’d rest! Goodbye sloth person!

The next day I got up, got dressed and crawled right back into bed. My back was killing me! My ears were painfully ringing. Then my anxiety kicked in, and I had a panic attack. Not my idea of a good day…

Was I freaking myself out? I could’ve prevented that panic attack, probably. Time for a new plan… I would “meander” the next day. I would trick myself into thinking nothing was going on as I got dressed, ate, and did my tasks. I must admit, it worked for about three days, then exhaustion took over. I didn’t have enough energy to do anything. I looked like a newborn Bambi when I tried to get out of bed. But I was in so much pain, I couldn’t sleep! Painsomnia is real. I’d doze off for an hour here or there but even hoping for a three-hour consecutive stint of sleep was an unobtainable goal.

This is where I am today, AWARE that this is a problem! AWARE that something has to change. AWARE that the weather’s getting nice and I need to get outdoors, not to mention pack so we can sell our house! So I’m going to do something about it. I’m going to try something drastic… I’m going to leave my home!

My siblings and I now own my dad’s old farm place in western Minnesota. This has turned into our family retreat. This Sunday, I am going to the farm by myself for one week. (One of my sisters does reside there so I won’t be completely alone.) 

I am counting on a change of scenery to get me out of the stuck place I find myself lingering in. I am relying on reduced awareness of pain and the inability to stay in bed as there are things that must be done on the farm. It is not a farm with animals but the land is farmed, and the house and surrounding grounds are huge and need constant attention.

Sometimes we need to jump out of the frying pan into the fire… don’t you think? Sometimes a change of scenery is the best gift we can give ourselves. I am slowly packing this week and am nothing short of terrified that this is not a smart move, but I have a backup plan in place (my husband will come for me if I need him). I’m tired of feeling like a lazy and sloth-like sinner!

I’m jumping!

img_0749-1~Kim

30 comments

  1. Hugs Kim. Yes jump out of that pan into that fire and come out strong and bolder. We definately have to push ourself in life so that we can live well. When i get into a bit of laziness i fool myself by doing things in 20 mins batches and get my self out of it that way.

    Hugs Kim. Wishing you good health. When health plays up life is hard. But, you are such a trooper you are an inspiration.

    😚🌸🌷

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Bella! We sure do have to push a little from time to time… my time is now! I’m jumping for sure. Got everything set. The hubby’s worried but he sees that I’m in a funk. So back to pacing, I’m more of a 10/10 gal myself. Work 10, rest 10. I guess it really depends on what I’m doing! This will be good for me!😊

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I will be very careful, Mishka. I think that’s why I decided to go during the week because weekends are chaotic. I definitely would get worse. I’ll try not to push. I know not to but am ready to try anything at this point. I’m so sick of ‘me,’ you know that feeling I’m sure. Let’s face it, I can’t go park in front of a fire hydrant, I don’t have a MEESHKA vanity plate! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Chuckling 😁 Oh to be 19 again.

        When my CFS first onset I kept pushing and pushing and I kept getting worse and worse. I’ve always wondered what would have happened had I not done that. So the mother in me doesn’t want to see that happen to anyone else. Just explaining my bad boundaries 😬 Traditional medicinal Chamomile tea has been very kind to me, if you haven’t tried it, I highly recommend it. Just kind of mellows you out so you don’t feel as trapped in a body that has energy to do nothing when in your mind you want to do all the things. 🌸

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I would’ve stood up and pointed to you and shouted, “There she is Mr. Fireman, sir!” I am THAT kind of friend. It’s funny that you wonder if thing would be different if you hadn’t pushed… I wonder too. I pushed and screamed and kicked! But, in the end… just how much additional harm did I cause myself by doing that? Hmmm… I drink tea, usually Earl Grey or English Breakfast… chamomile is tough! But I’ll give it another shot, because you’re obviously a good mom! Thanks, Mishka!💜

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Good luck Kim and I will be sending you healing energy and love. You ARE a strong woman and also know the ramifications of pushing too hard. Give yourself a break at the farm. Be kind to yourself and PLEASE be careful with the drive and such. I am finding that as I am getting older the symptoms are changing and huge life changes are a major trigger – even if they are perceived as good! Much love my friend and I hope this plan works for you!
          ~ Tamara

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Many thanks my friend. The drive will be fine, I’m just catching a ride with my sister. I will be careful about pushing too much… I just really need a change. A jump start! Yes, the life changes, always constant and never good for our symptoms. Thanks for the good wishes!💜💜💜

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  2. I’m stuck, too! I’ve been out of the rehab hospital for a month now. I had severe cellulitis. My brother & I live together (I’m on disability & can’t support myself). He lost his job. We have no family and are a few steps away from a homeless shelter. I’m having to try and recover while contending with collection agencies’ calls. This is an abbreviated version of all that’s gone wrong. My anxiety has gone up about 10 notches! Yet I can no longer take anything for it because I take a narcotic for pain. Even though there’s no contraindications listed, my doctor won’t prescribe both for me. So I’m having to choose between pain and anxiety. I can’t seem to pull out of this depression and anxiety cycle!

    Sent from my iPad

    >

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am very sorry to hear this. Are you in the USA? A doctor should have no issue prescribing something for your pain and your anxiety. Getting properly medicated is a very important first step in your overall ability to function! Call your clinic and ask for patient assistance or clinical social worker, whoever they have on site. Tell them you need assistance. Start searching for a new doctor, preferably one that handles chronic illnesses and/or mental health disorders. You must be medicated in order to even attempt to find some sense of relief. I hope this helps, Karen. You stay in touch, please. Let me know how you’re doing? Ok? Ok.~Kim

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  3. I think you can dismiss the notion that you’re lazy. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m sure however that you are fraught with worry about whether your health is going to foil your plans, which can cause a lot of stress, which I’m sure doesn’t help. Wish I had so sage advice, but the only thing I can think of is that these things often have a way of working themselves out. From what you’ve described, it sounds like you’ve been a living breathing MASH unit these last several months

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, and no Radar to announce incoming! You know moving is stressful. Then add chronic illness on top and a couple of hospital trips… I am a tad worried! A lot worried!!! But, as you say… things tend to work themselves out and I’m going to go with that! (Helping it along as best I can.) Steve, you always have sage advice! Seriously, thanks my friend. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s an awful cycle to be in when you feel that exhausted and in pain. It’s not laziness, but your brain starts to get frustrated and guilt creeps in for the things you haven’t done while you’ve been too ill to do them. It’s when anxiety keeps you lingering in a dark place mentally, and that affects your body. Rather than giving you a dose of good chemicals, your brain is sending more yuck your way and that’ll affect your immune system, and so it continues. I do think a change of atmosphere and location can help to pick you up a little mentally, and getting away from things so you can reset your brain can quieten some anxiety. I know the stuck place all too well. I often find myself there, and it’s painful, not to mention hugely frustrating.

    For what it’s worth, I think that going to the farm solo for a week is a brilliant idea. Maybe it’ll help, maybe it won’t. You won’t know until you try and you have a back-up plan should things go south, which is very smart. Your body may relish the change and a break from the situation you’ve been in, which could help get you a little unstuck from the stickyness you’ve been in. I really do hope so. Will be thinking of you – I hope the week goes well, please try not to beat yourself up over things, you’re doing your best and you’ll turn things around again, bit by bit. Lots of love heading your way  ♥
    Caz xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Now I’m in tears! Tears of relief!!! This is exactly where I’m at. I just can’t break the cycle… that’s why I need a change. I swear I walk around looking at everything I’ve needed to do for the last month and feel crushed! So worthless because I am not able to complete what I want to. I know I have a chronic pain condition. I know my brain is messing with me. But irrational thoughts seem to always win. It’s been a tough recovery road! This trip to the farm won’t hurt me, may not change a thing… but it might! It just might. 😊💜💜💜

      Liked by 1 person

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