The strangest thing about fibromyalgia is the progression of symptoms. After the first few years, you start getting worse, not better. Your world closes in until it is just you and your disease. You lose your job, your independence, your identity. Your social circle evaporates. You no longer have the strength to fight for yourself.
I honestly thought of stopping all the pain. I was searching for a feeling of control. Any way I could. Ending my life seemed to be my last chance at being able to control anything! I had every detail planned. I was prepared. I felt confident in my ability to carry out my suicide. A phone call interrupted my irrational plan. A simple phone call… when I think of the pain I would have caused my loved ones, I am humiliated.
Trigger Warning! You can read my post about the evening I planned to carry out my own suicide in 2001 after I was “medically released” from my job here: The Alice Cooper Lesson. I have no desire to write down the details again in this post. I have no desire to relive it. You may not either.
It was July 2001 when my father called me. He didn’t ask, he told me to pack a bag because my sister would be flying in the next day to get me. She would accompany me back to Minnesota. I couldn’t believe it. “What?!?!” My parents had ‘threatened’ this action before, but I was always able to talk them out of it. Not this time. The phone clicked, he had just hung up! There was no time for a rebuttal. What I didn’t know was that two of my friends had contacted my parents and told them I was not doing well. They believed I needed to be rescued. I believe they were right.
I wish I could describe my dad to you in a way that you could know him. I believe all little girls love their dads. Everyone thinks their dad is a special one. I am no different. I hit the lottery with mine. I have never had a cross word with my dad. I have never wondered if he loved me. I have never questioned his authority. I know he loved me from the moment I was born, but I have loved him my entire life! Both of my parents were very good at raising kids, there were 6 of us kids to handle! As adults, we have all learned to become friends, we may have disagreements but we are fiercely protective of each other.
“B” was enraged as I packed a bag, got into my car and drove away. I picked up my sister at the airport, and we began the long drive back to Minnesota. This was the same drive I had made only 5 years prior when life seemed to have unlimited possibilities. It took us three days to make the drive. When we crossed the Minnesota state line, I crumbled. All of the fear, anger, pain, and regret surfaced. I gave in, felt it all, and sobbed.
I lost everything…