Wounded

There are times we don’t know which is harder to cure; physical or mental wounds? All I know is recovering from a mental wound is extremely difficult. Humbling. Isolating. The world as you know it changes abruptly into a very scary place. Your thoughts are terrifying and self-defeating. Nothing makes sense.

Self-care, cooking, and cleaning is exhausting. Words do not make sense. Writing is out of the question. Reading and retaining is impossible. Holding conversations usually results in confusion because you have forgotten how to converse. Maintaining relationships is like walking through a maze, you know you will eventually get out, but the journey through it makes you question if you will defeat the maze or live in it permanently?

For me, it all started simply enough; a medication change. Side effects that were never expected happened. Then a cold turned into a severe case of pneumonia … requiring hospitalization. (A very unsettling stay at that.) Finally, a fall, bruising connective tissues in my right shoulder resulting in wearing a sling. Months and months of recovery followed. Unbeknown to me, the emotional wounds would take even longer to recover from.

Pain can be endured. Fundamental emotional health is hard won. You can take a pill for pain. You can take a pill for depression. You cannot take a pill to restore damaged emotions. You must figure that out on your own …

My husband is an expert at circling the wagons. He allows me to make my world very small. I can physically heal and slowly let the emotional toll take its effect, but he brings me back into the light slowly with kindness and care. Safety. He provides a safe environment and allows me to cry, and quietly work on the emotional wounds. He lies with me and lets me talk about my fears and nightmares. He tells me to call for him, and he will come … and he always does. Every time. I never question his love for me. I question only my deserving of it.

So I have started over, in a smaller world. Adult coloring, journaling, even if it is only a sentence at a time. Zentangling. Light cooking and cleaning. Soaking in a bubble bath. All little things that used to seem so effortless have been hurdles made much easier with his faith in me.

I am coming back to him, to you, to me.

Wounds do heal.

IMG_4994~Kim with my love, Jeff.

36 comments

        1. I must say, I am lucky that I have my husband. I know that you have had to go it alone for a long time. I am sad that went as it did but you are healthier , making good choices because of it. I believe it has to be extremely difficult. It is OK to ask for help. And it is OK to not ask. You can’t be strong all the time, be gentle with yourself. You amaze me, and one day we will meet. Of that I am sure dearest Kit. x

          Liked by 2 people

          1. We will meet and we will cry together and drink tea (or something equally soothing and blissful).

            Being gentle is the hardest thing. I ask for help sometimes and other times I don’t. But being gentle, seeing myself as others do, letting myself heal slowly and at my pace… that’s tricky.

            I do envy you the love and support you have. I’ve been blessed with amazing friends and those who have come alongside to support, but none in *that* place. That place feels like a puzzle piece that is missing… Like the turns I can’t quite get in a Rubik’s cube so I’m always not quite right.

            But yes… One day we will meet!

            Liked by 1 person

            1. It took me MANY years to meet a man to fill *that* space… just stop looking because he will find you. (A very lucky and incredible person he will be!) Being very kind and gentle with yourself is so very important. Make sure you circle the wagons and get things and people around you to provide that support. And I am a phone call away, always. Tea sounds wonderful! Much love to you, Kit!

              Liked by 2 people

  1. Aw I’ve missed you Kim, and have been thinking about you. You’re right, wounds are complicated and healing can be a long, difficult process. Small steps. I’m glad you & Jeff have each other, so rest as long as you need in the “smaller world” to feel safe, remember that you are loved and you will be okay, look after yourself and take your time. We all love you too  ♥
    Caz xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love you Kim. I hope you know that without any doubt. I too have been quite absent…
    We can only do our best. Having someone there to keep us safe, is all we could all for. Depression is a horrible illness, no matter where it stems from. Taking it one day at a time. Lots of love, MJ

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Been thinking of you.
    Have been fighting my own demons lately, I’m sorry I haven’t checked on you.
    I understand this even more now.
    Medication changes, side effects, a UTI that hast turned into an obstruction in my kidneys…. I dont think what I’m going through is as severe as what you went through, especially with the hospital stay, I just want you to know, I can empathize more now. And I care a lot. Love you Wen

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello my friend. I am so sorry to hear of the battle you are fighting. When we are already battling a chronic disease and then “ordinary” illnesses come along… the time, toll, and pressure this puts on us is incredibly stressful and heartbreaking. We lose a lot… it takes so much more to get back to our ‘normals.’ This is not a competition! You are going through some very serious pain! I had a terrible kidney infection once, so damn painful! UTIs SUCK. Medication changes… awful! You have had so much happen to you in 2018. I hope 2019 will be kind to you. (And me!) These other things that happen to us can cause traumatic emotional pain, be very kind to yourself and above all else take time to heal. I cannot stress how important it is to allow for that time! I have always thought of you as a very empathetic person, I do not think you need to learn more! Get well, be patient and please be kind to yourself! Love you too, Wen! 💜💜💜~Kim

      Like

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