Wounded

There are times we don’t know which is harder to cure; physical or mental wounds? All I know is recovering from a mental wound is extremely difficult. Humbling. Isolating. The world as you know it changes abruptly into a very scary place. Your thoughts are terrifying and self-defeating. Nothing makes sense.

Self-care, cooking, and cleaning is exhausting. Words do not make sense. Writing is out of the question. Reading and retaining is impossible. Holding conversations usually results in confusion because you have forgotten how to converse. Maintaining relationships is like walking through a maze, you know you will eventually get out, but the journey through it makes you question if you will defeat the maze or live in it permanently?

For me, it all started simply enough; a medication change. Side effects that were never expected happened. Then a cold turned into a severe case of pneumonia … requiring hospitalization. (A very unsettling stay at that.) Finally, a fall, bruising connective tissues in my right shoulder resulting in wearing a sling. Months and months of recovery followed. Unbeknown to me, the emotional wounds would take even longer to recover from.

Pain can be endured. Fundamental emotional health is hard won. You can take a pill for pain. You can take a pill for depression. You cannot take a pill to restore damaged emotions. You must figure that out on your own …

My husband is an expert at circling the wagons. He allows me to make my world very small. I can physically heal and slowly let the emotional toll take its effect, but he brings me back into the light slowly with kindness and care. Safety. He provides a safe environment and allows me to cry, and quietly work on the emotional wounds. He lies with me and lets me talk about my fears and nightmares. He tells me to call for him, and he will come … and he always does. Every time. I never question his love for me. I question only my deserving of it.

So I have started over, in a smaller world. Adult coloring, journaling, even if it is only a sentence at a time. Zentangling. Light cooking and cleaning. Soaking in a bubble bath. All little things that used to seem so effortless have been hurdles made much easier with his faith in me.

I am coming back to him, to you, to me.

Wounds do heal.

IMG_4994~Kim with my love, Jeff.