My Apologies

I wrote a post about a night in my life recently where I made a decision that could’ve had dire consequences. I took that post down. The responses in the comments were very emotional. From fear based to downright anger with many passionate requests for me to seek some additional help, counseling, resources, etcetera.

I handled the information I delivered in that post very wrong.

I had hoped to relay in my post that even though we have good things going on in life; friends and family that love us, depression can and will sneak in and make you do things that no one would expect you to do. Depression doesn’t make sense! It doesn’t “fit.” It is a senseless disease that I hate admitting I have.

This is clinical depression.

This is a diagnosis that brings me to my knees at times. There is nothing to be depressed about, so why am I depressed? It is all in my head, literally. Due to a closed head injury, I now lack the necessary serotonin in my brain to achieve an overall sense of well-being. Depression, for me, feels like a very selfish disease.

How am I suppose to tell someone who they, themselves, have their own difficulties that I am feeling depressed? How do you walk up to a homeless person and complain you wish you had more storage in your house??? How do you complain when others have many more difficulties than you do? You don’t.

What seems irrational becomes rational. Things that I believe I would never do sometimes seems like the only thing to do. I have clinical depression. I must take care to relay my feelings when I am not feeling safe. I admit I failed to reach out. Depression embarrasses me. Depression makes me feel weak. Depression makes me feel like a self-centered, self-absorbed child.

The reality is I have clinical depression, it is a disease I did not ask for but I must deal with.

I do my best to fight, but the simplest things can become overwhelming. I get so tired, I get mixed up, and I got careless… I made a very bad decision.

I don’t need to be chastised. I beat myself up on a regular basis. I know how I should handle this disease, but I make mistakes.

When you are dealing with a person who has an illness, the most powerful thing you can ask is “How can I help?” Those are significantly powerful words. Even if the person doesn’t know, it opens the door for further communication.

“How can I help?”

 

Screen Shot 2018-02-25 at 12.48.43 PM~Kim

36 comments

  1. If there is anything I can do at any time, whether it be as a sounding board, a non-judgmental friend, or shoulder to cry on, you only need to ask.

    Personally I thought it took a lot of guts to put yourself out there like that. I’m not sure I could have.

    Seriously though Kim, I an not gong to intrude, but if you want to reach out don’t think twice.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. The mere fact that you can admit and take responsibility for your “bad decision” is more than even many non-depressed people will do. I can relate because my adult daughter (who lives with us because she can’t function alone) has an incurable disease that she “did not ask for but must deal with.”

    Unfortunately, I know what I’ve said is no help, but I DO CARE (for whatever small consolation that may be).

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Kim;
    I am so thankful for you and your honesty. I too suffer from depression and have on more than one occasion attempted the same resolution. Do not feel as though you have done something wrong, S%#t happens my dear and we all have something that we struggle with everyday. You are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My dearest Kim,
    I love you. I love your open honesty. I struggle sometimes minute by minute just to get through and your words help me. How can I help? Is there anything I can do to help you? You have my contact info and you know we share these diseases together. Xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m curious. Clinical depression means a clinician has told you you are depressed due to the symptoms you evidence? If that is true, will a clinician need to tell you when you are no longer depressed? Or, how does that work?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A psychiatrist evaluated and diagnosed me with clinical depression. Depression can be acute, lasting for a few months, maybe a year. I continue to be evaluated every 6 months. I spent seven years in cognitive behavioral therapy. After about three years my diagnosis has been changed from acute to chronic. I take SSRIs and have had mostly good results with these types of anti depressants. Yes, a psychiatric evaluation would be able to tell me if my symptoms subside. For now, I still need to use mood stabilizers. SSRIs work for me but we each have different chemical make ups so it can be a very tedious process finding the right treatment. Then you must put into practice what you have learned! I slipped and did not put my safety protocols that I was taught in place. I made a huge mistake. I hope that answers your question?

      Liked by 1 person

  6. My heart hurts that you are feeling so terrible! I am your best friend, and we have no secrets; we have always been upfront about our highs and lows! You will NEVER burden me in sharing your depression and the many symptoms that coincide with it. I know every day is a battle, and I know you have the resolve, fortitude, and perseverance to get through these difficult moments; however, you are never alone as you have me forever. I love you and want you to know that my initial response was a knee-jerk reaction,but it was very real and very raw. I am over that and now want you to know that I am here!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know that Holly. I know about those knee jerk reactions too. I know I need to be truthful with you when you ask me how I feel. It is so challenging to speak your truth at times but I promise I’m going to do my very best, 100 percent of the time. Love you!

      Like

  7. I didn’t actually read that post of yours but now I’m sad to hear this. Was it over the weekend? I didn’t check my blogs over the weekend so didn’t see it. I guess you were crying out for help.
    I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. This post of yours is very brave though and I think you should have a read of my recent post for R U OK Day? https://coolncreative.wordpress.com/2018/09/13/today-is-r-u-ok-day/. Never be afraid to speak out. I really hope you are OK and next time you feel like that please don’t be afraid to reach out and seek support. Which country are you in so I can better help you?

    Like

    1. Thank You! I am not afraid to confront these feelings. And I am ok…promise. This had been a battlefor me for over 20 year! I am currently in the hospital for pneumonia. And I believe I was sick with that for a long time creating my flare to just continue on and on. But it’s all looking up now! Thank you!

      Like

  8. Actually I can still read that post of yours. You should still seek help and someone to talk to about how you were feeling that night.
    My advice is to try and get in contact with your mental health professional or try one of the below if you ever feel this way again before doing anything.
    The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at 1-800-273-8255
    http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
    https://mentalhealthmn.org/- This a is great. there is an online chat and everything.
    if you are in urgent need of help and want someone to talk to Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to reach a 24-hour crisis center, or text MHA to 741741 at the Crisis Text Line
    http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/contact-us
    or
    Samaratins USA
    http://www.samaritansusa.org/
    I hope I have been helpful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I just wanted to let you know I am really ok. I’ve have 7 years of cognitive behavioral therapy. I use an online counselor when I need direction and I have two other when I need some face to face time. These are great resources you listed so I want to get this comment posted for all who read your comment can share this information. Thank you SO MUCH!!!!

      Like

  9. Oh dear sweet Kim, you should never feel like you have to apologize for anything you share. It takes a lot of courage and strength to be open about what you are going through. Please know that no matter what I might be dealing with, I am always here for you. I am the most non-judgmental people there is and really do not like when people pass judgement on others. You can email me anytime and I will respond as quickly as I can. Both Grace and Steve are wonderful and very helpful people. I have love for both of them and yourself!! All my love always Kim!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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