My Apologies

I wrote a post about a night in my life recently where I made a decision that could’ve had dire consequences. I took that post down. The responses in the comments were very emotional. From fear based to downright anger with many passionate requests for me to seek some additional help, counseling, resources, etcetera.

I handled the information I delivered in that post very wrong.

I had hoped to relay in my post that even though we have good things going on in life; friends and family that love us, depression can and will sneak in and make you do things that no one would expect you to do. Depression doesn’t make sense! It doesn’t “fit.” It is a senseless disease that I hate admitting I have.

This is clinical depression.

This is a diagnosis that brings me to my knees at times. There is nothing to be depressed about, so why am I depressed? It is all in my head, literally. Due to a closed head injury, I now lack the necessary serotonin in my brain to achieve an overall sense of well-being. Depression, for me, feels like a very selfish disease.

How am I suppose to tell someone who they, themselves, have their own difficulties that I am feeling depressed? How do you walk up to a homeless person and complain you wish you had more storage in your house??? How do you complain when others have many more difficulties than you do? You don’t.

What seems irrational becomes rational. Things that I believe I would never do sometimes seems like the only thing to do. I have clinical depression. I must take care to relay my feelings when I am not feeling safe. I admit I failed to reach out. Depression embarrasses me. Depression makes me feel weak. Depression makes me feel like a self-centered, self-absorbed child.

The reality is I have clinical depression, it is a disease I did not ask for but I must deal with.

I do my best to fight, but the simplest things can become overwhelming. I get so tired, I get mixed up, and I got careless… I made a very bad decision.

I don’t need to be chastised. I beat myself up on a regular basis. I know how I should handle this disease, but I make mistakes.

When you are dealing with a person who has an illness, the most powerful thing you can ask is “How can I help?” Those are significantly powerful words. Even if the person doesn’t know, it opens the door for further communication.

“How can I help?”

 

Screen Shot 2018-02-25 at 12.48.43 PM~Kim