Just Me.

It’s been a while since I just sat down and wrote. No research, no posts promoting other bloggers, no words that rhyme, nothing, just me.

Just, plain, old, me.

I don’t understand how a comment without a ‘like’ matters in the grand scheme of things. If you don’t write ‘fuck’ in your piece, it is not that good. If there is no trauma, especially childhood trauma, to expose you are not an inspirational blogger.

No Drama = Dull.

I remember when I started blogging. I couldn’t wait to let my story spill out through the keyboard! It was absolutely magical when people would comment on my latest piece, respond to me! I had weeks of blogs pent up, ready to be “published” at a moments notice. I was hungry for the interaction. Petrified my post would not be well received and high on the idea, “I” may be able to help someone.

What a mind ‘fuck.’

The truth is, I am a chronically ill blogger who is getting worse, not better. ‘Likes’ and comments, or lack of either, positive and negative affect me. Research, I believe, is important. Words that rhyme is better left to others as is all formats of intentional prose. I do like to promote other bloggers that I find speak to me, enlighten me. I know using the word ‘fuck’ is a poor command of the English language, a cop out that I have used in the past.

I’m a blogger.

I wonder if I have hit a state of the sophomore blues? Some things don’t come out right. The reality of my freshman year is authentic; successes and fails. Maybe blogging isn’t for me? I know chronic illness isn’t really my bag, I suck at it. I am half way through my sophomore year of blogging. It is time to take out a mirror and re-visit my purpose for this blog.

Is my intent pure?

Are my words positive?

Am I a blogger worth reading?

Sometimes, I wish I were 21 again. At 21 years of age, ‘I knew it all.’ I was so sure of myself! My purpose and goals… what a joke. Now that I’ve hit 50, the only thing I know for sure; is that there is much I do not know.

But.

I am willing to learn.

cropped-screen-shot-2018-02-25-at-12-48-43-pm~Kim

 

 

 

47 comments

  1. this is so good……….you have made a huge difference in my life and I appreciate you. I love you comment – I suck at chronic illness…………amen sister………to be 21 again, healthy, knew everything…….the older we get the more we realize just how little we know.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I don’t have any answers for you, I mean of course I have opinions, but it’s not my opinion that counts, It’s YOURS. I do have more questions for you though…first of all Is why does it matter if your words are positive? I mean they usually are, but come on lets face it, life rarely is…AND you lift other people up so often, why not let others take the load for awhile? You wonder if your intent is pure. Why does that matter? I mean you aren’t “selling anything” or claiming to know something you don’t. You aren’t purposefully trying to deceive anyone. I think we all start out our blogs for different reasons, and we all gain different things from it. I was going to start this wonderful blog about MS and be so helpful and supportive and educational…blah blah blah… Did that happen? FUCK (just to put it in there) NO!….What happened instead (for me) is that I learned writing is therapeutic as hell. Even if someone learns what not to do from me, they learn something if they read my blog. I am pretty good at making people laugh (well chuckle at least) and that feels great! Your final question “Am I a blogger worth reading?” In my opinion YES!
    I’m coming up on a year of blogging and I had thought of throwing in the towel when my time is up, but after more thought, I have decided I blog for me. I blog for the friendships, the interaction, NEXT year I will do something to make money…HA HA HA HA….but what’s the rush? One day at a time.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Damn! Grace. Words of wisdom… I don’t know why some of it matters… it just does. But I do like the way you look at blogging. And yes, it has become something I do for me. It is an extremely positive experience. When I think of all the other bloggers I have met??? My life would be bland, to say the least. In the end, I just needed to re-evaluate. Thank you, Grace! xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  3. After rereading what I wrote above, I feel like maybe I should apologize and soften my tone, not because I the things I said weren’t true, but because in part I was talking to myself (remember I am mean). You are absolutely right to “check” yourself, and the fact that you do is part of what makes you a great writer, blogger, and friend. But please don’t second guess yourself. You have said it yourself numerous times that you are in a different part of your life or a second life now, you didn’t get here by making horrible decisions, or if you did you learned from them which is win win imo. You have made a huge difference in my life, and although I am not opposed to making the drive to you, keeping up with you in the blogging world is so much easier 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Grace, you are an incredible person! I really liked your response! (Both of them.) I have a snarling, sarcastic woman in me that comes out every once in awhile, I have to put her back in her box time and time again. But she still comes out on occasion! I have to “check” her! I don’t think you are mean, at all. I do think you are too hard on yourself! You are honest. You are caring. You are my friend. (I wouldn’t change anything about you from my perspective.) xoxo.

      Like

  4. I am with Grace! My experience blogging has been really similar. At the end of the day, this is for you, Kim and it can be whatever you want and need it to be…..what happens along the way is the learning bit, the journey bit. I do know that knowing you and reading your posts has had a huge impact on my life and I am so fucking glad to know you.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Oh Kim. You do make a difference. More importantly though, does blogging help feed your soul? Blogging is as much for you…if not more…than it is for others.
    I’ve stopped a few times but I have always been drawn back. I hope others take away something from my posts, but most of it is for me. There are times I simply have to get things out, I’m grateful there are people who want to read it. I feel I have a blogging family, they mean so much to me. You had a post about friendships recently, think of the friends you’ve made while blogging. It boggles the mind doesn’t it? That is my accolades, I dont need a ton of followers, awards, or anything like that…if I did I guess I’d take blogging more seriously, but honestly I dont understand how chronically ill people can write deep knowledgable post every day. There are many weeks that I can only get out mindfulness Monday, and that didn’t happen yesterday.
    Give yourself a break. Be kind to you.
    I hope this makes sense, writing is physically painful for me right now, I really wanted you to know I care, and I get it. F yeah!

    Like

    1. Wen. Yes! It feeds my soul. I’m so sorry you are in pain right now. You have been a great friend and are. This community means so much. How lucky we are to have this outlet. Thanks Wen. I am reminded what a wonderful tribe I am in! 💜💜💜

      Like

  6. My Dearest Kim,
    YOU HAVE SAVED MY LIFE!!! That’s quite an accomplishment for someone I’ve never physically had the pleasure to meet in person! Your blogging on chronic illness and your life experiences with these illnesses has LITERALLY given me a reason to go on. I welcome more posts that are “authentically you” with your experience, in whatever form that may come! PLEASE KNOW YOUR WORDS MATTER. Honestly, if I hadn’t “found” you when I did, I can’t even imagine what my life would look like today. You are pure love, genuine emotion, highly insightful, funny and articulate as hell, and yes, very educational. But the MOST IMPORTANT thing that comes across in your blogging is your truth. I trust you and that’s not a trust I give up easily. My world would be so incredibly sad without you in it. Please forgive my rambling on, I just need you to know you are so important to ME, and obviously from the comments above, A LOT of us out here in internet land. I look forward to your words as I am out here isolated and alone with this disease. Your blogging has even encouraged me to consider blogging myself! I appreciate and thank you for everything you have given me of yourself and pray for your health and happiness my friend.
    ~ Tamara

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am truly honored, Tamara. And so blessed to have had you in my life, reaching out and the brave sharing you do. You are a definite touchstone. I can’t imagine a world without you being in it. I am so happy our paths crossed and as for saving your life… well, you have been receiving all that I wanted to give. I think I am the lucky one! Love ya lady!!! 💜❤️💜

      Like

  7. I’m going on 6 years and I understand your dilemma. My advice is simple…can you imagine your life without writing at all? If the answer is no, then keep on doing what you do, Kimmy. If it’s yes, then damn it, anyways. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Yes your blog is absolutely worth reading because it’s honest and interesting and personal not because it’s perfect. Someone’s shared thoughts, with the odd ‘fuck’ thrown in for good measure are often far more inspiring than something that’s been written purely to be inspiring (if you see what I mean) :O) x

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I read this with real interest, it feels like such a grown-up article. For all my wide-vocabulary and being in my forties in so many ways, I still feel like that 21-year-old just with the added, what is the opposite of bonus, of living with a chronic illness.
    From my perspective all the way over here I would say the only thing that matters is being true to yourself, you have built up a fantastic following of people who want to hear from you. If you are writing what you think people want to hear rather than what you are feeling, then they do not hear from you but a persona you are creating. Which inevitably misses the point.
    I think one of the best things about blogging is the sheer diversity of voices, even within a niche subject like Fibromyalgia, there are many completely contrasting blogs to read. Each blogger is on their journey with Fibro because we know no two people have the same symptoms as each other. It is natural as you travel along your experiences will change you and alter your thoughts and feelings, that in turn will transfer to your voice.
    The worst that could happen is you lose a few followers but that is ok we lose people from our lives regularly but that leaves space for new people to find us who are at the perfect place for our words to resonate.
    You are doing a fantastic job.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. So I might be a bit delayed, but I am 100% with Grace! When I first started my blog I was careful about what I wrote because I never wanted to sound negative or offend anyone, but I have realized that my blog is my blog and I will write about what I want. Kim you are absolutely amazing and a true inspiration to so many! I think everything you write means something to you and it also means so much to your readers. You have dedicated readers for a reason we all LOVE you. It does not matter if you say fuck or damn or any other term that is on your mind we read what you write because it resonates with us! I hope you never question what you write and always write from your heart. If I stay being totally honest, YOU are really the only one that matters with blogging!!! Stay being true to yourself and everyone else will respect that. Writing is my way to escape my own messed up mind and it helps and I think it helps you as well. We all fight a chronic illness that doesn’t seem to be going away. Much love my dear!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hi Kim;
    I’m behind on my reading which is why I’m just now giving you my two cents. I love your blog!!!!!!
    When I started blogging just over a year ago Yours is one of the first blogs I came across that I truly connected with. Your writing isn’t just fluff and fake inspiration, it is real and honest and let’s me know everyday that I am not ALONE.
    For this and much more I thank you from my heart. Please have as great a day as you possibly can, You are not alone either.
    Heidi

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Oh my little Emma, allowing that ol self-doubt monster override the confident queen again? 🙂 Take the high road and kick that little fucker out! You know why you starting blogging. You know that your initial purposes were to inform others, help others, help yourself, and to improve your craft! Purity? What the fuck is that? Life is not pure, nor is it pretty, particularly when one lives with chronic illness! BUT, life can be lived, it can be managed, it can be fulfilling with chronic illness, and that, my dear, is what you are sharing. What you are inspiring others to find, along with yourself. Love you!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. We’ve all got something to say, even if it’s only for ourselves. That’s fundamentally why I write, even if I’m rehashing old stuff. I love the interaction but everything basically comes from the heart. Do what feels right for you Kim. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I say fuck it to knowing everything, to coming up with new ideas or getting ‘likes’. I struggle with this, too, and more so lately when my brain is so mushy that I can’t write, and then get paralysed by not thinking anything I can put together is good enough. Then I stress that I haven’t posted anything, and wonder why I blog in the first place because it’s not like I have anything new or amazing to say, and from there it spirals (I have nothing to show for my life, what the heck am I doing, what the fucking hell am I going to do next given how much I’m struggling right now?) It’s a crazy messy minefield but I guess it’s a learning curve we climb up and fall down and heft ourselves over one way or the other, eventually. Day by day. I honestly wouldn’t know what the blogging world would be like without you in it though, Kim. When I read your blog I don’t really even care what the content is; whether it’s designed to help others, support, inspire, give facts, opinions, or to rant about the weather or stale biscuits. It’s from you and that’s all that counts, without the pressure to post certain things or at a certain frequency.
    PS. I have no good advice on this at all, just a ramble. Sorry! 🙂
    Caz xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love your ramble. Love it! Funny how I could have inserted my name as the writer and been spot on. Why do we do this to ourselves? And the what am I good for now BS ??? All true. In the end, it may be stale biscuits I write about (that was funny, Caz.) but I will write about something! You are so sweet. I guess its time to put my fingers on the keys again! xoxo

      Like

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