I Almost Lost.

As I sit here, this morning, I need to write about something that makes me feel weak. This results in a feeling of embarrassment and shame. But neither of these feelings are mine to own. What I just went through is a fact of depression, not the exception. While this is still fresh in my mind, I will share it with you. I hope, if you are familiar with these episodes, it may help to know others fight to survive them, too.

I have just gone through a significant depression flare. After dealing with depression for over 20 years, (co-existing with my chronic disease) these episodes of deep, dark depression are few and far between, but they happen. They are terrifying.

It started with fatigue, I could not get enough sleep. My neck hurt making it difficult to hold up my head. My lower back screamed in pain no matter sitting, walking, or lying down. But, I-had-to-sleep. My dreams were a black void of nothingness. I teetered on the verge of reality from a bottomless pit of unidentified sorrow only to wake in incredible pain. I felt awareness leave me then return, each time pain attacked my first waking moment. My only conscious thought, “I do not want to be here…”

Yesterday, I reached the deepest part of the vortex. I felt as if an actual blade had pierced my chest, leaving a gaping hole, feeling immeasurable physical trauma. My pain was almost palpable. Growing insidiously with each waking moment, every breath. (“I do not want to be here…”) I was stricken with grief! I felt hot tears release from my eyes, losing the fight for my sanity.

Unconscious…

Conscious…

Unconscious…

My husband never left my side.

Today I crept carefully out of bed, as a doe struggling to stand for the first time. The dull ache of where the blade pierced my chest is a reminder. I know nothing could have been done to prevent that emotional nightmare. While in it, I was not safe,Β  but I had not the means nor the fight to… “end it.” And today I will recover, slowly, the time in the black vortex still incredibly vivid in my mind. I will fight to remain despite it, I almost lost, but did not.

“I want to be here.”

IMG_0221~Kim

32 comments

  1. “I want to be here.” Your husband wants you to be here. You know others want you to be here.

    I’m not one of those “power of positive thinking,” ‘cheerleader’ types (Let’s get real), but I am a “wanting to be here” type. I’m with you, girl.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I think about you alot Kim. Especially when I am in this dark place that I have been. Thinking about you doesn’t put me in the dark place though, in fact just the opposite! I would never wish the hell of depression or pain on anyone so even though I am glad I am not alone, I am sorry that you are also here, if that makes any sense. I’ve got the flashlight today and it’s aimed in your direction. much love my friend

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Oh, Kim, I am sending so much love to you. This is a brave and selfless post and you are an incredible person. I have been in that terrifying space. I am so glad that you are climbing out of it. I am so glad you are here and want to be here. I want you to be here. I love you, lady!!!!!

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I wish I could make that pain in your chest heal, the aches disappear, the thoughts of not wanting to be here to be banished for good. But I have these same thoughts, the same ache in my heart, the same days where I don’t want to be a part of this any more. I guess I have more of these times than I care to admit. The only thing I can say is that we’ve come out of those vortexes and depths before, and we’ll come out of the ones that are likely to be there in future. Hold on, Kim. Please know I’m thinking of you, as will be your husband, family, friends and all of your readers here, too. Keep rocking life, you’ve got this. ❀
    Caz xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Kim you are so brave. I’m very happy to call you friend. So brave to share. You write so well. You should share in the mighty!!!
    I live in this beautiful place and I am depressed. Not thinking suicide but feeling blue and crying. I feel like I shouldn’t feel this way. Maybe my meds are not working.
    Putting on a happy face for my daughter. If she sees me crying she will think I don’t like it here but I do. Hate this feeling.
    So happy your safe. Your a damn good warrior
    πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Margie!!! Hi! Nice to have you here!!! I’m so sorry you are feeling blue… this summer has been a real kicker for my fibro as well. Not kidding. Tough temperature changes this year! Glad you are settling in, I am an email away, you know… so nice to have you visit. Do what you need to to get through this tough time, crying is allowed! (I do have a few articles published on the Mighty, by Kim Johnson. It is a tough gig over there!:) )

      Like

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