I am a Liar.

I lie. I wish I played poker because I have turned into such a good liar! I can lie! I could bluff a full house on a pair of twos. Really. Las Vegas, here I come, and I will win because I have developed a poker face. I can look you straight in the eye and tell you how wonderful I am doing while I am in a full on fibromyalgia flare. I even have the voice down. It’s like singing; talk is, just raise your voice an octave and talk out loud with a smile on your face. It’s easier on the phone, but I can do it in person.

What is wrong with me? I can’t even steel a grape from the produce section without telling on myself… now I am a liar? 

Self-preservation? Tired of pity? Sick of medical advice? Tired of always being the patient? LIE. It’s not an easy concept in the beginning, and the first few times are utterly painful. You will feel so ashamed of yourself. Once the lie is out there you have to decide, is this how I will handle this or do I cop to the truth?

By the way, if you cop to the truth, you’ll be labeled a liar. Think hard before you decide to become a liar because once a liar always a liar. 

I was held accountable once as I told this story about ‘lying’ to another gal with fibromyalgia. She said, “Well, isn’t lying minimizing fibromyalgia and continuing to stigmatize it?” I agreed it probably was… but I have so many reasons for why I lie. I have rules too! And furthermore, I am so sick of someone knowing someone who handles it better, or is way worse off than me, or still does a lot of the stuff I cannot do.

I’m tired, man!!!

So I lie but never with ill-intent. I lie, so others who love me do not need to worry. I lie, so no one has to worry. And, I lie to those who, although it is none of their business, are going to talk all crazy to me with; this ‘cure,’ ‘that vitamin,’ and an incredible ‘new age’ doctor has a cure. 

I’m over it … did I mention I’m tired!!!

So, in conclusion, I play my cards close to the vest. I am very choosy who I tell the truth to and when I tell the truth. I weigh my options. Bottom line is I’m over 20 years into this disease. I know it will not kill me. I know I will deal with flares and fibro fog. I know it is not my fault I got this disease. Is it essential for me to broadcast it? My husband gets the message. He has to live it with me.

My fear is, am I becoming detrimental in promoting awareness by not sharing the daily details of this illness with those around me?

I honestly do not know the answer.

IMG_0250~Kim