I am a Liar.

I lie. I wish I played poker because I have turned into such a good liar! I can lie! I could bluff a full house on a pair of twos. Really. Las Vegas, here I come, and I will win because I have developed a poker face. I can look anyone straight in the eye and tell them how wonderful I am doing while I am in a full on fibromyalgia flare… I even have the voice down. It’s like singing; talk is, just raise your voice an octave and talk out loud with a smile on your face. It’s easier on the phone, but I can do it in person.

What is wrong with me? I can’t even steel a grape from the produce section without telling on myself… now I am a liar? 

Self-preservation? Tired of pity? Sick of medical advice? Tired of always being the patient? LIE. It’s not an easy concept in the beginning, and the first few times are utterly painful. You will feel so ashamed of yourself. Once the lie is out there you have to decide, is this how I will handle this or do I cop to the truth?

By the way, if you cop to the truth, you’ll be labeled a liar. Think hard before you decide to become a liar because once a liar always a liar. 

I was held accountable once as I told this story about ‘lying’ to another gal with fibromyalgia. She said, “Well, isn’t lying minimizing fibromyalgia and continuing to stigmatize it?” I agreed it probably was… but I have so many reasons for why I lie. I have rules too! And furthermore, I am so sick of someone knowing someone who handles it better, or is way worse off than me, or still does a lot of the stuff I cannot do. I’m tired, man!!!

So I lie but never with ill-intent. I lie, so others who love me do not need to worry. I lie, so no one has to worry. And I lie to those who it really is none of their business, and they are going to talk all crazy to me; this ‘cure,’ ‘that vitamin,’ and an incredible ‘new age’ doctor has a cure. I’m over it … did I mention I’m tired!

So, in conclusion, I play my cards close to the vest. I am very choosy who I tell the truth to and when I tell the truth. I weigh my options. Bottom line is I’m over 20 years into this disease. I know it will not kill me. I know I will deal with flares and fibro fog. I know it is not my fault I got this disease. Is it essential for me to broadcast it? My husband gets the message. He has to live it with me.

My fear is, am I becoming detrimental in promoting awareness by not sharing the daily details of this illness with those around me?

I honestly do not know the answer.

IMG_0250~Kim

32 comments

  1. Brilliant, honest post and I say good on you for not focusing on your suffering all the time; yes it may possibly help others to share your story sometimes but if you’re concentrating daily on your pain I can’t imagine it will help you at all. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do get it. I think I’ve done my time… but maybe that is not the way it works. I need to stand up for those who can’t stand for themselves??? Damn, I’m tired! I appreciate the sentiment. I will remember your comment. I have some thinking to do. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. So deeply interesting, dear Kim! I was watching the interview of a famous Greek psychiatrist the previous week and he was saying that it’s not healthy to tell the raw truth, especially if you know that it will hurt the other. It’s some kind of verbal sadism. Your article raises some thoughtful questions… Have a beautiful week ♥

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My dearest Kim….TIRED!!! I get it! Being a “warrior” doesn’t leave much room for rest. As you know, I had been a therapist for years before I could no longer work due to Fibro and other diseases. I have struggled with these same questions but inevitably find myself right back in this role, sometimes with complete strangers! Is it a calling? Something bigger than myself prompting these encounters? I honestly don’t know, but I DO know tired! One of my favorite sayings is: Sometimes I just don’t feel like slaying the dragon. You are entitled to REST my friend. But know your sharing DOES help others. Your words have kept me alive. I hope in some way that helps. I wish you rest my friend.
    ~ Tamara xo

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Tamara! Thank you. You have been so successful and came from such a dark place. You have really done a spectacular job and I was ‘allowed’ to witness it through your reaching out to me. I will never tire of helping people who ask for help. Never. It is the rest of the real life, bump into them during my day people that I tire from. This blogging community and the group have kept ME alive. I will continue to share my story but the dragon slaying will indeed have to be done another day.

      Like

  4. There’s another one of those ‘million dollar questions’. I don’t know, either. Thinking about it, I lie all of the time too, or at least downplay things. Why? I guess I don’t want to be a nuisance to people, I don’t want to bring anyone else down. I feel I should be coping better than I really am. I don’t want them to think I’m wanting pity or that lying about being unwell because I ‘look fine’. I’m too tired to explain myself or what’s wrong. I’m too tired to listen to potentially well-meaning but frustrating ‘advice’ I didn’t ask for.

    So many reasons… It doesn’t make you, or I, a liar. It makes us skilled negotiators, navigating social encounters, managing our health and trying to keep that delicate balance when it comes to our own limits and boundaries. In the mean time, you are an incredible source of honesty and support for others through blogging, increasing awareness and reducing stigma.

    A tricky one, but a very thought-provoking post, Kim.
    Just keep doing what you’re doing to live the best life you can. That’s all any of us can do.

    Caz x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I do the same thing, mostly because I know those that ask often are being polite and don’t really want to know, and others out of a misguided sense of nobility that says why burden others with something they can do nothing about.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. We can’t be ‘fixed’ and I draw the line at that point as well. And you also bring up the point that it is usually raised in polite conversation. I want to talk about other things not disease 24/7 especially when I am well enough to be out of the house! Thanks, Steve.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Originally when I started my blog I was going to write about ms…. I don’t think I have ever even once wrote just the facts about MS….the simple facts are IT SUCKS….I write, as do you, about things you can do to deal with or survive having something forced on you. While I do understand that you FEEL that you are not being truthful when you say you are fine, I actually think you say it because you know that you WILL LIVE to fight another day…you have experience…. does that make any sense?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! Sometimes it is like groundhog day, same shit different day… why dwell on it? It is not going to change. So, I guess, to me it FEELS like lying but maybe it isn’t at all because you are right, I WILL live to fight another day! And I realize it is MY fight and mine alone. Thanks, Grace.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. When I have the energy to spare I do the same. But I do it a lot less than I used to. I used to spend so much energy lying and faking it, pretending things were fine. Energy I didn’t have that could have been so much better put to use. When I stopped doing that so much I found many benefits I didn’t think I would. I learned people were worried about me regardless and once I started being more honest they actually seemed to worry less. And include me more, and ask me what would be needed for me to be able to do an event or activity. People started being more open and honest about their own struggles. My relationships began to feel more balanced and richer. People get less annoyed when I have to cancel now and are more willing to change plans to something different. Sure I still downplay and shrug things off, but I don’t fake it so much. Though will say if your my taxi driver for the moment you can bet hells yes I’m going to lie to you. Trapped in a car, dependent on someone to get from a to b while they lecture me about cures, no thanks! What is it with taxi drivers and their hidden medical degrees? Lol.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah yes, rich knowledge from those who drive us to our destinations! HA! I’m glad you commented. I like your perspective and definitely have more food for thought! I did go through a time where I promised my husband to be honest and let e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e around me know what was going on… it didn’t go well for me. He saw the repercussions. So again, my health issues are more off table topics than on. It is so different for all of us. I applaud you for your strength and courage to be open with those in your life. That is awesome! ~Kim

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I really enjoyed this post and reading the comments. So many perspectives and things to consider. I’m sorry to hear those around you made things more difficult when you tried to be honest. Agreed is different for each of us. Do what works and leave the rest, a motto I’ve found useful in life lol.

        Liked by 1 person

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