Before I Tipped Over a Stone, Fridays.

Well, it seems my off-topic posts are getting the thumbs up so I will continue these on Fridays. If you have not read last week’s post, I will need to first put this up.


Warning; Domestic Violence Content


If you would like a recap, please go back to last Friday’s Post as I had just walked into a women’s center on campus…

I was escorted downstairs and into a cozy basement office, bohemian decor and comfortable. I met Paula. She said I didn’t look like I was having a very good day. I sat down on her couch and asked for a cup of coffee. “R” would never let me rest, I was exhausted. I had a sip of coffee and felt the burn of the liquid hit the back of my throat and I began to cry, softly, as I was just so very sad.

You see, I loved this guy, and I couldn’t get him to stop hurting me. I didn’t know what to do? He was 6’2″ and 220. I was 5’2″ and 130. I fought back! I never won. But the strange thing was, I wasn’t even angry. I was confused. I was confused about this messy, violent relationship we had going on. It was so unnecessary! Why did it have to come to this? How could I have got myself into this situation? (I was beyond embarrassed, admitting I was being abused.)

Paula and I would frequently meet over the next two months. She gave me a book that I was to read, Getting Free by Ginny NiCarthy She told me to read it when I could but to keep it hidden. If “R” found it, there would be hell to pay. I didn’t know it, but I was entering the most dangerous time of my relationship. I would need to decide when to leave “R” and where to hide.

I secretly was reading Getting Free by Ginny Nicarthy. I was almost in shock. It was like “R” had an abusers ‘handbook’ all along and I was finally reading the script in Ginny NiCarthy’s book! He was privy to all the mind games, all the abuse tricks, and all the things to say to win me back. According to this book, he was just like many other men who were abusers. They all had similar patterns that went in cycles. They systematically wore you down, and they were good at their craft.

I kept attending college classes and working. I had to get through college. I was only a semester away from getting my diploma! There were more battles and more bruises. More cops and arrests. I got a restraining order, it didn’t stop “R.” It only meant an extra day or two in jail if he got caught. There were many tears for me, even for him. I still had empathy for him, but I was running out of energy. He was slowly destroying my self-esteem. I was tired of being his regular punching bag; emotionally, physically and sexually. He never stopped apologizing, he said he was going to change… I no longer believed him.

(If you are in an abusive relationship, please get this book. Make sure you keep it hidden from your abuser. This book is a lifeline, and you will learn how to get free! Order it or buy it from a local bookstore. If you order it, have it delivered to a trusted friend or counseling center’s address.)

I was taking the action steps in NiCarthy’s book to make my escape. I was getting close to having everything in order. “R” must have sensed something was up because one day he showed up, pulled me into the car and he kept me against my will for three days. He moved me from motel to motel, reminding me of what he would do if I ever left … kill my family and me.

On the first day, I told him to f**k off, and I was going to f***ing kill him as soon as I got the chance! This was not a smart thing to say. The next three days were hell. He was going to make me very sorry for what I had said, and he did.

On the fourth day, he had to appear in court for resisting arrest. I knew I had maybe 40 minutes tops to get away from him. However, I was acting submissive, promising I would wait for him in the parking lot. This time he did not disable the car as he had done for the previous three days he held me hostage. He must have believed my acting job. As soon as he walked through those courtroom doors, I headed for the women’s center where I knew I would be safe!

I made it to the parking lot, got out of the car and ran! I burst through the doors, “Is Paula here?!?!”  Then I promptly passed out.

(To be continued next Friday on I Tripped over a Stone.)

IMG_0056~Kim

  • Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233
  • TTY 1-800-787-3224

21 comments

    1. It is tragic. There are many options available as the years progress… This was early 90’s. The tolerance for domestic abuse has declined in the legal system and in general, the public is not very tolerable either. This is progress.

      Like

  1. I’ve seen someone use the playbook…on me.
    I’m always surprised to learn this has happened to so many.
    I’m lucky, I got away before things escalated to the point that I wouldn’t have been able to do it, without a lot of help.
    I moved to a different state.
    He finally gave up.
    I’m sure he found another victim.
    That breaks my heart.
    no one should experience this.
    much love to you Kim.
    you are a strong woman.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s a circle of violence, always the same pattern, blackmail, threats, violence, promises, forgiving, ‘changing’, never changing. It’s easy to be strong now, right?
    Thanks for sharing this Kim. Tell me, did you ever confide to anyone back then? You do mention the restraining order but what happened afterwards? Did you talk to sb, did you have emotional support?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, there is a definite pattern. I come from a family that, as my husband says, doesn’t show weakness. No, I never talked to any of them because they knew I had gotten myself in a bad situation and they were mad at my ‘stupidity’ and had no understanding of why i could not just put a stop to it. AND I was embarrassed I had as well, gotten myself into this situation. In time, it would be acknowledged but I never ever talk about it and they never ask. Somethings are just best left in the past. I did go on to advocate for a women’s shelter and became a court advocate to help other women in my situation get away from their abuser safely.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think the support a woman gets from her family/friends is priceless. I’m terribly sorry you had to go down this road alone.
        It is so easy to blame women. Where would this world be if we stopped being so fucking judgmental and show little (more) understanding and support?!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Love to you Kim, and I take my hat off to you for your openness and honesty in sharing, and your strength and courage in dealing with your experience. I don’t want to say I ‘look forward’ to your next post that follows this as that doesn’t sound like the right way to put it, but I think you’re doing a wonderful thing in sharing your experience.x

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Ha, ha, ha – I just had a card printed with their photo on and put them in front of my girl to write as very late Xmas than you notes….her comment “Oh no, are we really turning into those people?” “What do you mean?” “Who put their pictures on things!” I love this blogging community and have found so much support, so def want to give back! xxx

        Liked by 1 person

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