I Feel My Disease (the rough days)

The syndrome that is fibromyalgia is complicated. I research, try different ‘treatments’ and hope for the best… it never comes. The Best. I cannot find it. I feel my disease. My body reminds me with every step, reach, and stumble. Disease. Painful disease.

I am angry right now. If it were not for Anger, I’d be a puddle, on the floor sobbing. I am angry at this disease today. It is not to be ‘noticed’ by an onlooker and keeps me from doing most things I love. Worse, is not being believed therefore estranged. Left mostly alone, with my disease.

My chest hurts. I think it is because my heart is breaking. But. It keeps beating, my heart. Silence is too loud. Noise is deafening. Is my disease getting stronger? So I find Angry again and convince myself not to feel. I turn on the music to escape the pain, if only for a song.

I have days when the disease wins, and that is just the way it is. It may have a day, maybe two, and sometimes more. Eventually, I fight my disease back in its box. I search again, hoping for The Best. Stepping carefully, reaching tentatively, facing pain still. I feel my disease.

The syndrome that is fibromyalgia is complicated.

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Better days are coming I say to myself, imperfect is fine because I understand that lie. ~Kim