It Matters to Him

My husband was a bit more concerned about this last little patch of depression I went through… he can’t understand why I would ever doubt his love for me. He does know that depression is sneaky and it lies and that it is a disease that affects rational thinking. He knows it has to do with lack of dopamine and serotonin in my brain. He knows when my iron levels are low, I may become depressed as well. He knows.

IMG_0174    He wants to fix it.

Me: “You can’t just fix this.”

Jeff: “Well I am a fixer, and that is what I want to do, so this is very difficult for me. Are you really going to be OK?”

“Physically, I feel fine. So yes, I’ll be OK.”

“Can I bring you anything?”

(Here is where I said something that I shouldn’t have, I attempted a joke about a gun and said something about brains. This was not funny nor should I have ever thought about this type of joking during a depression flare.)

“I don’t think that is funny at all. You know, we’ve gone through too much for me to lose you now. I don’t understand these guys who don’t help their women. I don’t understand why they can’t figure out how to be men? Wash a dish? Pick up a vacuum? Clean the house? What if they were the ones in a car accident? Huh? What would they expect from their wives?”

(He is frustrated and winding up … and I see that I have caused this! I feel horrible!)

“You know suck it up! Take on some responsibility! Learn something! Be a man for God’s sake! But you know what? We’ve been told by women that we are not needed for so many years! Women can do it all by themselves. So what good has that done? Men come home from work and sit on their asses and think that’s OK! It’s not OK!” 

“Well, I need you, whether I’m sick or not, I need my husband.”

“Like I need you. You and I have many things left to accomplish together, you and I are not done yet … I have to go to work now, will you be OK?”

“I will be, I am. Don’t worry, I’ll be here when you get back.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

Then I received a text from my husband about ten minutes after he left the house.

IMG_4242

So I went to Youtube and pulled up the video…

“I ain’t strong enough to give you up…”

It is my responsibility to give my husband peace of mind that I will get through a flare, be it mental, physical, or both. It matters to him! It matters that I am safe and taking care of myself and that I will be alright even when he is at work. I will be a better steward of my emotional and physical flares and plan accordingly so not to worry him. This matters to me; his emotional well-being. I have been careless at times. No more.

Screen Shot 2018-02-25 at 12.48.43 PM~Kim

 

 

19 comments

  1. Oh Kim, this one made me cry. Reading it, I felt like you were writing about my life as well. My husband is also a fixer and very sensitive and so caring. When I spiral down into depression, I can get so consumed by my feelings, I forget how much he worries and I forget to reassure him that I will be ok. I am going to do it differently next time. Thank you for this! xo-s

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m so glad! Sorry to make you cry but it is necessary to take care of our hubbies… especially when they worry! Men are fixers and we forget how frustrating it must be to watch us suffer. Yep, I’m doing things differently too. This is a good thing!~Kim

      Liked by 1 person

  2. When I read this this morning, it made me cry. I was so jealous! Of all the helpful people I have in my life the one I live with is the farthest from even being caring. Now that I have had some coffee, and the tears helped clean my eyes to see things better, I am not jealous, I am inspired. We all deserve to have someone care about us like that. Thank you for sharing Kim

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sounds like someone needs to be educated, little by little… it can happen. Show him this blog? Ask for help starting small, when’s the last time you asked him to open a pickle jar? I don’t know you partner but there has to be hope. I am wishing good things for you! ~Kim

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Unfortunately “Einstein” knows everything, so he won’t read or let me educate him…however, I am learning that some people not only don’t ” get it” they just don’t want to either. As far as the pickle jar…well lets just say I have figured out how to open it myself. I am leaning more towards the…stop wasting what little energy I have trying to teach an old dog new tricks, and more towards, why stay with a dog that bites?….ty for letting me vent… I am going to focus on living vicariously through you, and absorbing the fact that there ARE healthy relationships out there in spite of chronic illness

        Liked by 1 person

        1. “Einstein” sounds like “Dumbass” who I was engaged to and almost married before my father actually stepped in and put a stop to it! I’ve had two very bad, VERY bad relationships. Jeff was my 3rd times a charm – blessing. I stayed with a dog that bit, then I stayed with a needy self-centered “Dumbass” and finally I got out! When I wasn’t looking, along came Jeff. A man I had known my whole life… he went through his demons and we both were NOT looking! But we found each other all over again and it is working. I know I’m lucky, but it wasn’t easy getting here. I KNOW what I have and so does he. That helps with the whole mutual respect thing… I say you’ll make your choice when you decide. You WILL figure out what is right in YOUR own time. You are smart and witty and never forget your worth! I am so glad I met you in this cyber world of blogging!~Kim

          Liked by 1 person

  3. This gave me goosebumps to read; even though I’m not in the same situation, nor have I ever been married, I’ve been in relationships before where this kind of imbalance has happened. You are so right that when there’s someone there who loves us and cares about us and just wants to fix things, we need to let them know we’re okay, that we appreciate that even though we can’t be ‘fixed’. Their emotional wellbeing is just as important. It’s a two-way street. Wonderful, very honest post and I love the YouTube linky. x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Caz! I love your summary. It does matter! Chronic illness is selfish and wants all of our time ALL the time! I need to respect that my mate is a man who needs to know he is taking care of me and that I APPRECIATE him for it. Yes, that darn song he sent me, he knows the way to my heart! I love that song now… HA! Sneaky guy, this one that I have! ~Kim

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Well that made me cry. Beautiful on every level. I love you and now I adore your husband as well. Quick side note – If you do happen to feel better, and he still wants to wash dishes, I have set some aside just for him. Also I might have laundry. And dusting. And I wouldn’t hold it against him if he popped by the grocery store either. 😉

    You are beautiful and brave and incredible. I ache for you reading that you have been feeling so low, yet I see how even now, you are able to perceive the blessings that bring light to the darkness. I’m here always if you ever need another shoulder. Much love to you my friend. Joanna

    Like

    1. Joanna! Now I’m laughing and crying! Yes, I’ll send him right over! The man has skills. I’m feeling better but went through such a battle. These flairs can be so rough! I had to remember I was in a temporary situation! Thank you for the out stretched arms! You are so sweet, dearest Joanna!!! ~Kim

      Like

  5. Thank you Kim,.
    Chronic illness does have its times of downward cycles both chemically & psychologically & it can creep up on us very quickly, we need to make our special men aware, that it will pass.

    After losing my late husband Gint to brain cancer, as you know. I found love again with my present husband two years later, he gives care, respect & gentleness to this old girl with chronic health conditions. But yes he does get concerned when the pain flares or the more challenging times appear. We need to care for them & this in turn helps us to focus on the important things to us. Don’t you agree?
    Jennifer

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, dear Jennifer, I do agree. They care for us and show concern… if we have the strength to just reassure them, this too shall pass, they can go on about their day and feel a bit more emotionally attached and calm because paying attention to them matters too. Very well said, Jennifer! ~Kim

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.