My husband was a bit more concerned about this last little patch of depression I went through… he can’t understand why I would ever doubt his love for me. He does know that depression is sneaky and it lies and that it is a disease that affects rational thinking. He knows it has to do with lack of dopamine and serotonin in my brain. He knows when my iron levels are low, I may become depressed as well. He knows.
He wants to fix it.
Me: “You can’t just fix this.”
Jeff: “Well I am a fixer, and that is what I want to do, so this is very difficult for me. Are you really going to be OK?”
“Physically, I feel fine. So yes, I’ll be OK.”
“Can I bring you anything?”
(Here is where I said something that I shouldn’t have, I attempted a joke about a gun and said something about brains. This was not funny nor should I have ever thought about this type of joking during a depression flare.)
“I don’t think that is funny at all. You know, we’ve gone through too much for me to lose you now. I don’t understand these guys who don’t help their women. I don’t understand why they can’t figure out how to be men? Wash a dish? Pick up a vacuum? Clean the house? What if they were the ones in a car accident? Huh? What would they expect from their wives?”
(He is frustrated and winding up … and I see that I have caused this! I feel horrible!)
“You know suck it up! Take on some responsibility! Learn something! Be a man for God’s sake! But you know what? We’ve been told by women that we are not needed for so many years! Women can do it all by themselves. So what good has that done? Men come home from work and sit on their asses and think that’s OK! It’s not OK!”
“Well, I need you, whether I’m sick or not, I need my husband.”
“Like I need you. You and I have many things left to accomplish together, you and I are not done yet … I have to go to work now, will you be OK?”
“I will be, I am. Don’t worry, I’ll be here when you get back.”
Then I received a text from my husband about ten minutes after he left the house.
So I went to Youtube and pulled up the video…
“I ain’t strong enough to give you up…”
It is my responsibility to give my husband peace of mind that I will get through a flare, be it mental, physical, or both. It matters to him! It matters that I am safe and taking care of myself and that I will be alright even when he is at work. I will be a better steward of my emotional and physical flares and plan accordingly so not to worry him. This matters to me; his emotional well-being. I have been careless at times. No more.