And on the 8th day, I slept.

At 0930 I received an automatic voice message this morning;

“Thank you for filling your prescriptions with our pharmacy, we want you to know the prescription items you ordered have shipped.”

Today is the 8th day I have been without my medications. I had a few rescue medications that I was able to use, but for the last two days, I’ve had nothing so I improvised. I used some over the counter medications for the sole purpose of knocking myself out. The body pain was absolutely like stepping out of a boxing ring. There was the sharp pain with every movement, nagging pain while at rest, agitating restless legs, and deep depression. Finally, I broke for about two hours yesterday. I could not stop crying. Then I threw up, again and again!

My husband arrived home during my massive meltdown and crushed up some ice chips for me to suck on. He had this terrified look on his face and I felt awful. I felt guilty for putting him back in this headspace of fear. What had I done? Why hadn’t I planned better? It had been 56 hours of torment, remembering why I was indeed on medications and what my life would be like without any…

At 1330 today the doorbell rang and a man called out, “I need your signature!”

It was my medication! All of it! Every single pill I needed… I took my morning dose immediately and a pain pill, just one. Then two hours later I took one anti-anxiety pill and I laid in my bed. I slept. I slept for four hours and I woke with minimal pain. I ate a decent meal and took my evening dose and headed for a hot shower.

I made it! I made it! I made it!!!

Changing insurance plans should not have to entail such personal devastating disruption but it did. I went through it and am on the other side. Grateful that I am still a fighter and reminded what an amazing doctor I have as we journeyed through the medication jungle to find me the right kind of medication. In a sad way, this was a good reminder why I take the medication that I do and why I am receiving the disability that I do. (Even after 20 years I still question my disease, the severity of it.)

I have found what I need to take to lead my best life with this disease, now it is up to me to follow through. I’m coming back, slowly but stronger.