The Alice Cooper Lesson.

I have never admitted to what I am going to write about, but my time has come. My intent is not to shock you. I hope that with my words there is someone who reads this that will know they can get through today and tomorrow and the next. This is not about strength, it is about endurance. When you really feel like you have nothing left, please know that you do.

It was shortly before I received my chronic illness diagnosis that I began trying to destroy myself … alcohol, food, drugs; Rock ‘n Roll!  Except I was not in a band. I was not famous. I didn’t even have a job anymore. I did not have a healthy support system. I did not even like myself, let alone love myself. I had no sense of self nor sense of self-respect left. I could not get better, I could not even define what ailment I was suffering with. All I knew was that I was now formally broken. Mind, soul, and body. What was left for me? What could I possibly be good for?

_convertToPNG

I will admit I was either trying to sleep away the pain or out of my mind on medication… alcohol came later, followed by food or lack of food. I simply wished not to exist. I felt I had my run at the world and somehow I messed that up? I couldn’t even die right! If this was my life now, certainly I should have died in the car accident. One of the responding officers at the accident site told me if our car had stopped three seconds later the Tahoe that crashed into us would’ve come through my door and I would have been killed. What the hell? Yep. Three lousy seconds… three! I was an embarrassment.

So I planned my suicide. (I’m not going to use pretty words.) My then fiancé’ was getting ready to take his daughter home after our weekend visit. I had planned the entire weekend. We had a great visit! We went out to eat, I had spent extra time with his daughter digging for clams on the beach, we watched funny movies, we all laughed a lot. I was covering my bases, making sure everyone would have good memories of me. As he was getting ready to leave with his daughter the phone rang, and it was my mom. I thought, well, I still have plenty of time because it would take him close to 40 minutes to get her home and get back to our apartment. So I began chatting with my mom. Happily, I might add, as I wanted her to be at peace when my suicide was completed.

This is how very irrational you are when the plan is made to commit suicide, and only the deed is left to do. There is a lot of preparation. The previous week I had made sure our apartment was spotless, the laundry was done, put away, and I had made a few extra meals for my fiancé so he’d have food for the week after I was dead. I planned where I would die to leave the least amount of mess; the bathtub. I even planned on calling 911 to report my suicide before I did it, making sure I remembered to hang up immediately. I was not getting talked out of my plan! I wanted the paramedics to get to me before my then finance’ returned home. I wanted to spare him from finding my body. I knew where our gun was and how to use it. I had showered the day I planned on killing myself and put on make-up. I was so at peace and utterly giddy that I was finally going to have some control! I – was – in – control.

309548_2522794034437_687865856_n

When my then finance’ walked in the door, I was still happily chatting with my mom. I was just getting ready to hang up, making sure I told her I loved her. My mood drastically changed. I had screwed up! My perfect plan was ruined! Why had I talked so long? It didn’t feel like 40 minutes? It had been 40 minutes. It had been 40 minutes! My mother had literally, unknowingly, saved my life. I have never told her this story, my intentions are not to. She doesn’t need this kind of memory. This is my memory. Almost my last memory. The pain I would have caused my loved ones shames me to this day. I am ashamed of these dark thoughts that overtook my common sense. So many consider suicide to be the easy way out, but to the person who contemplates it, it seems like the only way out. These irrational thoughts of suicide seem so rational! So unbelievably “right.”

You must always fight! These are the tricks your mind plays on you when you are dealing with severe depression, pain, and chronic illness. That night was the first time I had contemplated and planned my suicide. It was not my last time of ever thinking about suicide. Never again did I allow me to ‘plan’ my suicide. I knew that if I began the planning process, the irrational feelings of it being “right” may take over. Suicide is never “right.” You do not get to choose life or death on any given day. I see the terminally ill decide not to go on, I understand that. But when you are not terminally ill, the decision is just not yours to make.

 

So I began the process of repairing my mind, body, and soul. I now know myself. I now have some respect for self and sense of self-worth. Has this life been worth living? Yes! Yes! Yes! The things I would’ve missed! The life I live now! The purpose I have found! The love I have been given! Yes! Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes! Life is not fair, and it is not easy. There are good times and bad times to be lived through. To – be – lived – through! Life is all that it is because you are present in it and feel all the emotion that comes with it. Feel your life. Live your life. You will find purpose, and you will love. That is what is “right.”

Screen Shot 2018-02-25 at 12.48.43 PM~Kim

Save

 

SaveSave

18 comments

  1. I’ve been where you were. I even too a hand full of pills. Luckily my husband found me. I hadn’t taken enough yet to kill me. Heck it wasn’t enough to make me sick.
    I’m lucky things worked out as they did. I wrote about it once. It was a very hard post. I know this one was for you. Thank you for having the courage to share.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad we are both here. Depression is real and there is nothing left to do but talk about it. You know what I mean? It is the easiest thing to treat yet we fight it. We fight the therapist, the treatment, and admitting there is anything so silly as ‘depression’ wrong with us… yes, this was a very difficult post. VERY. Thanks for telling me you’ve been there too. It helps.

    Like

  3. Been there more than one time.
    Every day is awesome some are just awesomeR. It’s all about the R; some days you just have to look a little hardeR for that one little thing that puts the R in your day. I am so very thankful for brave people like you that are willing (and able) to share their stories. It is So Very Important for people to share the good, the bad and the ugly. You never know – something that seems so simple to you may be that one little thing that keeps someone going. You are an amazing human.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Very thoughtful and thank you for sharing this unbelievable story of courage. My brother committed suicide and the devastation that loved ones are left with are astounding. What we could of, should of, would of, done to help save him if we only knew.
    I have been at peace with his leaving us, but that is another story. However I do think we all have a threshold that we can deal with. Everyone’s threshold is different so we have no room to judge. Glad you’re still here writing and letting others know there is up and downs but we are here to help others.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Janice, first I am so sorry for your loss. Brothers are very special. I lost a brother to cancer at a very young age, he was 37, I was a year older than he.

      Our thresholds are indeed different for pain, tolerance, insecurity, discomfort… you indeed are well aware. I am very glad you have found peace, please know that NEVER did I believe my actions were going to purposefully ‘hurt’ my loved ones. I believed I would have been doing them a favor, certainly not leaving them devastated. This was my irrational belief at the time.

      Now that I have met siblings, fathers, mothers and even sons and daughters that have lost someone to suicide, I see what a major emotional hurdle they must battle to find that ‘peace’ you have reached. You are brave and have jumped your hurdles. I am honored you took the time to comment on my post. Thank you Janice.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are most welcome…And thank you from your point of view on this matter. I too tell people he did it so he wasn’t a burden to others but oh how we wish people knew the loss of them is much heavier than when they are here. Love to you and your awareness.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Kim… may I say this is a beautiful story? It’s full of hope, love, encouragement and a powerful message for others feeling like they cannot go on. You can offer such meaning because you have been as close as you can get and know what’s it’s like to feel that low.
    You have turned your life and attitude to one of your own grace now. For that, I’m calling this a beautiful post and so are you.
    Thank you for sharing your raw and honest journey.
    💕 Di (oh and I cannot seem to reply to your last post I commented on… but I saw your kind reply. Thank you🌹)

    Like

    1. Thank you Di! I’ve never thought of that story as beautiful. I need to go back with fresh eye I think ☺️ That was very nice to hear. Yes, the other post I had to take down. There were hurt feelings. But I did enjoy your comment. Thank you so much!!! ~Kim

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well I certainly hope you didn’t mind me calling it that, Kim. It was my first thought. And sharing our vulnerability is a beautiful thing. Brene Brown has done so much for the concept. Her work is inspiring.
        I meant it as an utter compliment.
        I’ll read some more of your posts on the coming weeks.
        All the best…
        Di 💐

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Kim, thank you for this story. You helped me to understand, a little better, the mind of a person thinking about suicide. I lost a very sweet loving and much to young great nephew to suicide on May 24,17. He was 22. He was a dad to two beautiful little girls. He was separated from his wife. Everyone loved Steven. No one can understand how he went on with his life and smiled and joked and had his girls stay with him the night before. He took them home in the morning and then drove from Utah to the coast of Oregon and ended his life there. No signs of what he was about to do. Your story explained his mind set. I know that place in your mind must be very dark and hard to come back from. I’m glad you came back.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It sounds like you great nephew believed he was doing the right thing. That is the altered sense of what is “right”. Had a great night, leaving all with good memories… I understand this. I am so very sorry for your loss. Not once did I believe I would be leaving people behind who were devastated. I believed I had provided everyone with good memories. That is the mind trap. I bet that was what he had planned as well. The reality is, it is devastating. It is heartbreaking. Again, so sorry for the loss of your great nephew, so young.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.