Grace Kelly would have liked me.

 

Grace Kelly. Never have I seen a woman who so personified her name. Grace Kelly was indeed a woman of grace. I want to be a woman of grace. I do not want to be Grace Kelly-like, I want to be me but be a person who is associated with grace. I am not graceful. (Lord knows I can hardly walk a straight line let alone be graceful!) But I want to be that person who personifies grace. To me, this is a person who is courteous, has a manner of behaving that is attractive and promotes goodwill. Grace.

I learned some very valuable lessons when I recently suffered a blow to my self-esteem. Just when I was so very sure of myself, a few comments in passing shook me to my core. I had no idea why I felt so destroyed by these comments? Although these comments were directed at me they were really not about me. But I was nowhere near reason when I first received these comments. My first reaction was anger, then hurt, then fear. Fear that my “got-it-together” persona had been breached! I was a fake! I had been found out! I withdrew. My life was over… again. (Drama.)

 

I really believe you must be true to thine own self. You are the only one you have to live with, day by day, minute by minute. If you are angry, hurting, and/or fearful all the time what are you like to live with? Does your partner want to come home after work? Do they avoid you when you are home? Do you avoid them? What would it be like to walk into your house and see yourself waiting for you… would you be excited to spend time with your own self?

My husband called me from work just the other day. He used to call me every day on his lunch break just to check on me when I was recovering from some surgical procedures. But that practice is no longer needed so rarely do we call each other while he is at work. So, he calls me and he is having a very bad day. I can’t fix it but I can listen and that is what I do. When I tell him to remember how good he is at his job and how lucky that company is to have him… then I apologize. I was so busy licking my wounds over stupid comments I had caused my fibromyalgia symptoms to flare. I apologized to him because I was in a flare and I had not done any housework, nor made him a proper dinner. (These things he does not expect from me, it is my way of adding order and purpose to my day.) My husband told me not to apologize and to rest. Before we hung up he said he would rather be home with me on one of my bad days than be at work on one of his good days.

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I learned two very powerful lessons from my brush with low self-esteem. The first is, to thine own self-be true. If you know there was no malice meant by your words or deed then you are not to blame. But if you feel a responsibility to explain or apologize for a misunderstanding do it. And handle yourself with grace at all times. Be a person who is thoughtful and promotes goodwill. Be the person your partner, spouse, children, want to come home to and your friends want to visit. When someone asks you to have a little grace, that is a question you should never have to hear because as an adult, you should already be living in a state of grace.

Self-esteem is a tricky little monster, but it is your little monster. As for to thine own self, be true, I am a person that tends to have low self-esteem, I am a person with fibromyalgia, but I am doing my best to control both. Life shut down my freeway, so I had to take a detour. Life is a constant construction zone so you find the detour and get through it with grace.

And yes, I do think Grace Kelly would have liked me.

IMG_0250~Kim