It is the last week in January and I am not sad to see it go. It has been recorded that the third week in January is the most depressing week of the entire year. The holidays are over, the credit card bills for those holidays are arriving in your mailbox. The weather is harsh and it is cold. I must agree, the third week in January is indeed the most depressing time of the year.
Yesterday I cried. I cried for a very long time. I felt physical pain in my chest like my heart was literally breaking. I was beyond sad. I was grieving. I was grieving for the people who are in pain. I cried for those I try to help but cannot. I was grieving for lost family time and relationships. I was angry at time for moving so quickly. I was grieving for my aging parents. I was grieving for me. I cried for all the things I am trying to do but have to admit I cannot. I wanted the old Kim back. The one who could do everything, fix everything, I miss her. I was grieving for my husband. Jeff is having back pain again that is so severe, yet there is still so much he wants to accomplish. He doesn’t accept his limitations yet. And I grieved for the missed moments and opportunities Jeff and I couldn’t take advantage of due to my numerous hospitalizations and surgeries. I remembered one day after my 7th and final surgery, my husband, looking at me and saying, “Now, all of our moments are priceless.” I grieved…
Then I stopped grieving. I looked at myself in the mirror and said, ” YOU need to get it together!” I got out the bricks and mortar and rebuilt that wall around my heart. I still have memories from my past that I have not worked through and maybe never will be ready to confront. So I put them back in their box and tucked it safely away in the dark part of my mind. I am not ready for the dark to meet the light. Not yet.
Grief is not a bad thing, grief is the price of love. Grief is almost like a personal ‘off’ button. Then when you have done your time you click the personal ‘on’ button and get yourself together. You build that wall, put a lid on that box, whatever you need to do to keep the emotional pain at bay so you can function. A friend of mine told me that this life is not a resting place, it is a testing place. Truer words have never been spoken.
Grief holds its place in line and you will pass through grief again. But you come back out of the darkness and look to the light and you do not rest, you live and love and laugh! Because all of our moments are priceless.